Today’s podcast is about a few things, but mostly it’s about how to get over a breakup, otherwise known as the end of a relationship. While there is no magic pill, employing some of these tips post-relationship can help speed up the recovery process. And while it may seem like the pain is getting worse each day, just remember, that it will get better, and time really does heal this sort of wound.
While girls and boys, women and men, process the end of a relationship differently, I’ll try to speak generally about the feelings one goes through as well as what you can do to get back on your feet sooner rather than later. Time is precious so why waste it worrying and pining about someone that doesn’t even want to be with you? Most of the time you’re left bewildered, wondering what went wrong, but other times you saw the end looming. Either way, unfortunately from my observations, probably 90% of the end of relationships involve a third party (ie. Your significant other met someone else), but don’t take it personally or beat yourself up over it. Just like friendships can have a season, so can romantic relationships – people grow apart or start looking for other things. There’s no reason to be mad at the other person, nor reason for you to be mad at yourself.
The strange part of a breakup, perhaps rooted in biology or natural history, is that usually the person that is on the receiving end of the breakup, is the one that suffers the most. What I mean by this is that the person who gets dumped usually suffers the most turmoil. Even if you were thinking of ending the relationship anyway, or perhaps you had ended it on previous occasions but had reconciled, the fact is that once you get dumped, you’re more likely to go down the path of feeling like crap. I think there’s a famous Seinfeld episode about this where George Costansa is in a rush to breakup with a girl before she breaks up with him so that he doesn’t have to be the “dumpee”.
Anyway, the end of a relationship will send you through a series of emotions. Let’s go through them briefly so we can discuss measures you can take to feel better. I think the more aware you are over these steps, the more you can be assured that your just going through a grieving process like anyone else and that you’ll get through it. How quickly or slowly you get through it though will depend on you and how hard you try.
These days people get broken up with in a variety of ways. Because we’re in the electronic age, don’t be surprised or take it badly if you’re broken up by text message, e-mail, or a voicemail. If you’re really lucky you’ll get dumped in-person, but these days the new fad seems to be “ghosting” where your ex literally just blocks your number and disappears into thin air, never to be heard from again.
Let’s start at the top and go through some of the thought process you will go through after getting dumped:
1. You’ll stay strong and think about what a jerk that guy was and how you can do better. You’ll start by vilifying the way in which he dumped you, critical of the method, and your brain will likely go on attack mode, remembering all of the bad things and his flaws, as well as all of the BS you had to put up with.
2. Once you have exhausted hating on your ex, you’ll start to remember the good times and certain things during the day will remind you of him. This is the tricky part because it makes it harder to forget the guy and move on. You’ll start romanticizing, even over-romanticizing your memories. Your brain will take casual events or dates and paint them into these beautiful “Notebook-movie” style events along with music playing in the background. It could be something as simple as you seeing a garden hose in your drive way and it will trigger you to remember that time he washed your car for you inside and out using that same hose, meanwhile he was soaking wet and missed watching an NFL playoff game just for you. During this transition period he’ll have gone from being a total dick to being the most perfect guy for you and the love of your life.
You’ll keep him as your Facebook friend, hoping that you can stay in touch, yet cringing every time his face pops up in your newsfeed.
3. Then you’re going to s...